I love someone. I think I do. If that is how you call it. I don’t know how or I don’t know why. I even doubt this is real. Sometimes I see him occupying the largest space in my future and sometimes I don’t. I’m not certain and I don’t want to get myself wrong about this. I want to make sure that I’m not making all of these up. I want to know how he feels about me. I want to do things with him. I want to do things for him. I want to laugh with him and count the cars passing by the streets. I want to let him know how I feel without anything holding me back and I want to listen to his deepest thoughts. I want to know him inside out and I want him to know me for who I really am. I want to end the awkwardess in the deafening silence filling our ears when we are out of things to say at the moment. I want to kill every dead air. I want to show him how much I care for him and I want him to care for me. I want him to read my actions. I want him to prove himself without doing things which would make me doubt. I want to believe him but sometimes I just can’t. I always end up doubting him, doubting his feelings because of my fear of being fooled; without realizing that by doubting him, I am halfway on fooling myself. I want to even out the odds and put everything into place. 

Maybe this is puppy love. And maybe this soon will pass on. Someday I may look at him at a perspective very distant from the way I see him now. Someday we might not care about each other anymore. Someday we might even forget these days. Someday, none of these may even matter. But for now, as long as the feeling’s alive, I want to sustain it for as long as possible. I want to keep myself reminded of how I feel holding his hand and breathing in his scent. I want to keep myself mindful of how he mesmerizes me and how I easily fall for his smile. I want to remind myself of how amazing he looks when he strokes his hair and how I indulge my ears in his laughter. 

Young as I am, I wish I am making sense, if ever I am not, it’s really none of anyone’s business. This is how I feel right now, and this is what matters to me at the moment. 

A promise to keep

Let’s be friends. You could be Jess and I could be Leslie. Let’s go to a place where only you and I know. Where only you and I matter and all the adventures waiting for the two of us. We could be invincible and dauntless. You, I and the place where we’ll go. I’ll be your hands. I’ll paint you sights of the unseen. I’ll be your eyes. I show you things you’ve never known. You just have to keep your mind wide open. As due time is given, we’ll find ourselves closer to the borders of something even more brilliant. We’ll find out what that is. Together. I always got your back. Trust me. I’ll never leave you. Never. Just promise me one thing- that no matter what, you’ll always be there. You’ll never leave. Because if you do, ropes will grow brittle and cut itself. Thunders will roar and lightning will strike. The creeks will flood up and drown me helplessly. And you wouldn’t be there. You’ll only find me gone forever. Forever is as awful long time Jess. Please promise me you’ll never leave.

Chua-ua. Di tayo bati. Bad ka.